I love spending time with you

even if I know, in the end, it will all get fucked up…

I hate this. I hate missing you. I hate how stuff has changed.
Change back please? Come back?

When I sit at work, knowing I have 30 minutes of break still to go, I really do question things in my life. I wonder if people really give a fuck about me, about the mistakes I’ve made, about the people I’ve lost. I also think about you. I wonder if you’re thinking about me. If you care about me like I care about you. If all of these “feelings” are real, or just another childish fixation. I really wish people were as genuine as they try to pretend to be. That way, we’d always know the truth. We’d know who our friends are, who we can trust and who we should avoid. But heck, life will never be that simple. It’s just a fact I need to accept.
I’m planning to change a lot in the next few months. Going to cut down on smoking, shrink my ears back down, grow my hair a bit and just to stop being used as much. I like who I am right now, but I think it’s time to grow up. At almost 20, I am becoming an adult, yet I still pretend I am 16. When I’m at work, I’m a different person, because I’m around adults and so act like one, but with my friends I go back to being a child, which isn’t good.
Wow, that was a rant and a half… An hour of work left and then sleepy time.

Why are you so beautiful?

I hate this so much more than I should. It’s like torture. Imagine having the one thing you want the most dangled in front of you but knowing you can’t have it. This hurts more than I expected. Until now, tonight was pretty perfect. Fucking emotions. I hate you.

Life

It seems stupid to think that a few months ago, I could have disappeared and only my family would have noticed, but now I would never be able to disappear without it influencing a few lives. It’s a nice feeling to know you mean something to someone and today, after talking with Leah, I realised that actually I do mean something to her. 

I  contemplated suicide a lot during my teenage years (like many people I guess) but thinking back, I’d hate to have never experienced the things I have. Never meeting the people who are now my best friends, never driving, never riding a motorcycle. It’d suck if I’d never experienced  that stuff. 

I guess this is one of them pointless posts that nobody will read because it’s too personal, but I don’t really mind. This is just a way of me thanking the doctors who saved me when I overdosed, of thanking my friends who kept me happy when I felt like nothing mattered, of thanking everyone and everything that has made my life better. I guess I’m just thankful to be alive to experience everything. 

(oh and if you read this Leah, thanks for tonight. Love you so much)